About That Fifty Shades of Grey Trailer

Leave it to Fifty Shades of Grey to pull me out of my self-imposed blogging exile. I’ve watched the trailer a few times now and I… I just… I have some thoughts. For starters:

This is Zoe Kazan.

50 Shades of Grey 1

This is a white guy.

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He wears suits.

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He has a helicopter.

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She has… well I’m sure she has hobbies and friends and something exciting going on in her life that is equally as exciting as that helicopter. Perhaps she enjoys scarves as evidenced by the one time she is seen wearing a scarf.

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There is also an elevator.

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But this is not Grey’s Anatomy.

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Oh.

So.

Well, Beyonce is on board with this movie so I guess it’s fine.

50 Shades of Grey 8

 

The end.

 

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What The Expendables Are Thinking (And Who Invited Kelsey Grammer?)

Everybody Dance Now

A new Expendables movie is like Christmas morning when you open your presents and wonder: “How the hell did you come up with this?” That’s basically what I thought as I watched the trailer for The Expendables 3: This Time With Young People Who Understand TechnologyThe Expendables is a who’s who from every action film and the trailer is, fittingly, a roll call. The familiar faces plus some new additions to the Expendables crew will bring more of the same absurd goodness to the big screen.

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Everything I Thought During 300: Rise of an Empire

It has been well over a year since I did one of these pointless lists. (I’ll never forget you, Hansel and Gretel.) But 300: Rise of An Empire is a movie worthy of this great honor. If you enjoyed it’s kind-of, sort of but not really 300 (and I did), you’ll probably get a kick out of this movie. If only because Artemisia (Eva Green) makes you question why Themistocles (Sullivan Stapleton) is even there.

1. These trailers are boring. It must be March.
2. 300: With Less Abs and More Facial Hair
3. Fassbender was not in 300 as much as he is in 300: Rise of an Empire.
4. Themistocles is a buzzkill.
5. So. Much. Blood.
6. Artemisia is a fancy Kristen Stewart.
7. Hell hath no fury like an Ancient Greek woman scorned.

 

Werk it, girl.

Werk it, girl.

8. Xerxes is missing some gold. He should borrow some from Smaug.
9. “You traveled a long way to stroke your cock while watching real men train.” What?!
10. There are absolutely no stereotypes about Persians in this movie whatsoever.
11. Where did the Persians find the space store all Artemisia’s outfits?
12. Now I don’t think any of that happened.
13. Is it really necessary to whip the slaves? They’re already doomed.
14. ROCKS
15. Artemisia: Greece :: Captain Ahab: Moby Dick.
16. That sex scene was already in Dark Shadows.

The angriest sex in the history of angry sex.

The angriest sex in the history of angry sex.

17. How did the Athenians get their spears back in between battles?
18. Spartans. Amirite?
19. Seriously? Where did that horse come from?
20. I don’t remember Cook looking anything like that.
21. Lena Headey, guys. Lena Headey.
22. This entire movie is just one extended sex scene.
23. So… I guess there won’t be an Artemisia-Themistocles TV spin-off.
24. Eight years later and I still don’t know how the Persians transported those elephants to Greece.
25. And there are no words for this. xerxes 300

5 Things About The 2014 Oscars

Jordan Catalano got an Oscar before Angela Chase. None of us saw that coming. Except maybe Rayenne.

Jordan Catalano got an Oscar before Angela Chase. None of us saw that coming. Except maybe Rayanne.

The 86th Annual Academy Awards have come and gone. While I might not have loved 2013 cinema, there is nothing I love more than the Oscars telecast. It’s a gloriously absurd evening and every year gives us something to talk about. Except not this year. It was just a solid, non-controversial show, which is something the Academy needed. Let’s get into five points of interest.

1. Ellen Degeneres Does It Again

ellen leo sandra oscars

Ellen Degeneres’ hosting style doesn’t satisfy everyone.  There was no musical number. No “Boobs” song. Just jokes. But after three year’s of duds, it was great to see a host skip a musical number, not sing about boobs and just have fun. The audience gag’s kept the show from getting too boring and that pizza gag gave us the greatest picture of Brad Pitt ever. Thank you, Ellen.

2. LUPITA IS EVERYTHING

lupita pharrell oscars

From her fashion choices to her articulate acceptance speeches, Lupita Nyong’o owned awards season. She even made that irritating Pharrell song bearable.The Oscars were her night and it was refreshing to see someone so overjoyed and gracious win.

3. Bill Murray’s Impromptu Tribute

Bill Murray is a national treasure. He cemented that with his tribute to Harold Ramis. It was perfect.

4. The Oscar Themes Need To Go

Why, why, why do the Academy Awards need a theme? It just doesn’t work. Look, I love a good montage (I really do) but all these montages do is reduce the greatest movies into snippets only film snobs appreciate. So either figure out how to execute a theme with some originality or don’t bother at all. It drags down an otherwise okay show.

I do like the idea of celebrating one great classic movie, like The Wizard of Oz, during the Oscars telecast. But when Liza Minnelli and Lorna Luft become glorified seat fillers, that’s a waste. Here’s an idea: bring back the honorary Oscars, in some way, to primetime telecast. It is the single best way to celebrate classic Hollywood without boring everyone. Because when Stanley Donen tap dances, we all win.

5. Lupita Nyong’o’s brother deserves an Oscar

ellen selfie oscars

Remember when Jimmy Kimmel tried to make everyone tweet during the Emmys? Yeah, that didn’t work at all. Ellen Degeneres, however, made it work with this instant classic bit. And that guy who’s blocking Angie who you don’t recognize…. it’s Lupita Nyongo’s brother Peter. Well-done, sir. Well-done.

This is what I took away from the Oscars. What are your thoughts on the 86th Annual Academy Awards? Sound off below.