Confessions of a Film Snob

Spring is Hollywood’s worst time of the year. The Oscar favorites make their final appearances at art-house cinemas until anxious film buffs and wannabe film enthusiasts can add these films to their Netflix queue. Meanwhile, Hollywood executives attempt to force movies that are conventional, gag-filled and quite possibly detrimental to my health.

Just this weekend, the first one of Spring, I was subjected to the possibility of seeing Shutter, a remake of a Japanese horror film, Meet the Browns, another Tyler Perry monstrosity, and Drillbit Taylor, another Judd Apatow-produced movie.

When I think about March, April and May’s upcoming movie releases, I cringe in agony. It is as though Hollywood executives think I actually believe that a Roger Ebert movie review is the holy grail of film criticism.

Although someone might give these movies four stars or two-thumbs up, here are the certifiable duds to avoid:

Run Fat Boy Run – March 28 – Meet Dennis. He’s fat. He smokes. He dumped his pregnant girlfriend at the alter. But he’s a nice and charming fella who wants to fix his mistakes. So he’s bonding with his son and trying to win back his ex, Teresa. Only problem is she’s dating the not fat, seemingly-charming-but-deep-down-a-jerk, Whit. Gee, I wonder who she picks.

Nim’s Island – April 4 – It’s the first fantasy movie of Spring and the kiddies will certainly be lining up at multiplexes across the country. With the tagline “anything can happen on Nim’s Island”, there is bound to be some adventure and a heartwarming coming-of-age story. It pains me to say this, but I’d rather see the next Chronicles of Narnia Installment in May. And Jodie Foster is in it which is unfortunate for Jodie Foster who probably wishes it was still the early 90s.

Sex and the City: The Movie – May 30 – Four women named Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda get together in New York City and talk about their sex lives. How thrilling. Apparently Sex and the City was some television show before it was a movie. Somewhere George Cukor and Douglas Sirk are rolling in their graves.

I’m desperately waiting for June 21, when the Hollywood blockbusters come out in full force and knowing that September is just around the corner gets me excited for cinema’s best treasures.

Film Snob out.

Published: March 27, 2008
The Mount Holyoke News

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