What I Have Deciphered From The Footloose Trailers

Remakes of 80s movies are everywhere! Fright Night opens this weekend, which I admit looks like good fun. A new and improved Dirty Dancing is in the works, much to the chagrin of fans (including myself). And, behold! The first two trailers for Footloose have arrived on the scene. Luckily for you, I have analyzed them and I have figured out so much from them. Like the plot! You know, because I haven’t seen the original Footloose every time it is on TNT.

But you case you have never, ever seen Footloose, from the first trailer you get the very important backstory: a couple of drunk kids spent the night dancing away and then were killed by a train. Now everyone in Bomont has to suffer. Enter city kid Ren McCormack. He’s just trouble. The preacher’s daughter Ariel (she’s probably named after the Disney princess to switch it up from the original) wants to get into his pants. And the sinning teens just want to dance.

Here is what I have learned from this trailer:

sin — Sinfully shaking your ass like this by a keg will get you hit by a train.

dennis quaid — What did the snack bar ever do to you, Dennis Quaid?

juilanne hough — Here Juilianne Hough looks like she has been plucked out of a Brenda Hampton casting call.

jh 2 — But she is really just a misunderstood slutty dancer in short shorts and cowgirl boots who wants to be free.

I talk funny — Ren is from Chicago. But he sounds like Boston Rob.

lack of choreography — Holy awkward aerial shots! Someone forgot to give the extras some choreography.

Random black guy provides Ren with the important exposition. Thanks random black guy!

He has dead mommy issues! Or abandonment issues!

rebellion — It's the DDR! Dance Dance Rebels! (Hey, it is Ruthie from the Real World: Hawaii's cousin!)

I wish my high school was trapped in an 80s movie so I could have line danced with my awkward friend up and down the hallway.

Onto the second trailer, which is more concrete, flashier, snappier, and filled with more slutty, angsty teens!

Ren McCormack is the new kid in Bomont. There are antique shops just around the corner. He doesn't belong.

It's the random black guy again! He's my favorite!

quiad — Dennis Quaid is angry preacher. And this town has so much diversity!

"Hey kid, how did you come in contact with that asbestos?" "Well, I was ogling the preacher's daughter..."

Ooh, a steamy make out scene on a car. These kids are so so scandalous. And they love, love, love cars. Is that just a podunk town kind of thing?

Ariel is on the edge! Of glory? No, the train tracks!

on top — Good thing Ren is there to jump on her

And then there is an explosion, perfectly summing up how I feel about this movie.

In all seriousness, there are many questions I have about the new Footloose. Is Kenny Wormald just a less bicep-y version of Taylor Lautner? Will Ariel’s best friend go on to star in an HBO show about four New York City ~~harlots~~ women? Can Julianne Hough really act? (After seeing her dance the rumba with her brother on Dancing With the Stars, I actually believe this one.) Should Dennis Quaid play a really creepy guy sometime in the near future?

But most of all, I want to know why 80s movies are so readily being remade right now. Someone please explain it to me.