Skins Rewind: Soviet History According To Sid Jenkins

WHERE'S YOUR HAT SID?

Oh, Sid Jenkins. You lovable awkward fool. Your best friend is a manipulative jerk. You’re stuck in the worst love square ever. You’re in love with your best friend’s girlfriend. You don’t realize that someone else is crushing on you hard. And you also failed your history class. You just can’t win.

During a parent-teacher conference with the laughable history teacher Tom (more on him next episode!) Sid is given 48 hours to write an essay on the collapse of the Soviet Union. His father Mark grounds him. I would pay good money to have Peter Capaldi yell, “Drama! Home! Coursework! Fucking perfection! Or else!” at me all day.

F*cking hell: Always my favorite father-son duo.

But grounding isn’t easy if you’re Sid. First he skips Drama to get stoned with Maxxie and Anwar on the green. (To be fair, it looked more like an interpretive dance class.) Then he blows off his date with Cassie and she’s completely bummed. She wasted three days of not eating for this day. And then Sid unknowingly gets roped into going to Tony’s choir concert that night with Michelle.

When Sid does try to work on his paper, it’s a failure. Here’s his description of Lech Walesa: “a Polish man who what the fuck did he do?”. Naturally Sid tries masturbating. It just occurred to me how often Sid’s penis and masturbation habits come up (pun!) throughout Skins. I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence.

Awkward? Nah. Tony's fantasy just came true.

So, yeah, Tony shows up and totally doesn’t care that Sid is jerking off to a picture of Michelle. (Eyeroll.) Tony then helps Sid write an introduction for his history paper: “The USSR model could be described as a relationship of control and manipulation.” BECAUSE THAT’S NOT SUBTLE SKINS. Tony wants Sid to come to his choir concert because it’s going to be special. He won’t take no for an answer. Tony seriously looks crushed at the thought of his precious Sid not being there to witness his ultimate display of trickery and manipulation. Also, why does everyone love Tony? Sid’s dad practically tried to make out with Tony when he saw him.

We’re blessed with this fashion choice from Sid. Given the disgusting state of his room, I’m surprised he managed to find this shirt.

Best.

Tony’s choir concert becomes yet another opportunity for Tony to be Tony. He stages a mid-performance kiss with Abigail in front of everyone. Michelle goes bat shit and slaps Abby. Tony basks in the wonder of this girl fight and he TELLS SID TO GO AFTER MICHELLE. I can’t even deal with this subplot anymore. The saving grace of this scene? Chris was there.

Chris can do no wrong.

Tony may have given Sid the green light with Michelle but she thinks he knew about Tony’s dalliance with Abigail. They also get the crap beat out of them. Then when Sid gets home, his parents are pissed, he smells like piss, and he finds Cassie waiting in his room. Poor Cassie. She’s had it with whatever her relationship with Sid is and loses her damn mind. Cue cursing, water pistols, and kisses. But also some sound advice: “Everything is your choice. Wake up, Sid.”

All you had to do was go on a date, Sid.

On to day 2 of Sid’s 48 hours! Sid and his mom have a strange conversation; she’s hiding something from him. Sid arrives at college with a massive black eye and he immediately gets chastised by Jal for ignoring Cassie last night. (Good for Jal.)  Then the history teacher goes on about something. I zone out whenever that teacher shows up and tries to keep it real with the kids.

Do your coursework and pray he's not your teacher.

Tony shows back up to once again push Sid towards “his gift” Michelle. What a douche. So Sid calls Michelle to beg her forgiveness… I guess for being Tony’s friend. They make up, dance in a bar, and suddenly Tony swoops in to reclaim his precious, I mean, Michelle.

Skins: As Told Through Argentinian Dance

Without realizing it though, Sid and his one-sided romance with Michelle has pushed Cassie over the edge. There’s a scene of Cassie binge eating that is just painful. As order is restored in Tony-Michelle-Sid land, Cassie attempts suicide on a park bench overlooking the city. Just great.

Sid finally calls Cassie and discovers her suicide attempt. He goes to the hospital where Jal manages to make him feel like crap. She’s right though. All he had to do was go on a date. To make everything even worse, Sid learns that his mom left and he has it out with his dad. Tellingly, Sid ignores Tony’s phone call, pulls an all-nighter, and finally writes his history paper.

First you must ignore and then you may proceed.

Other Odds and Ends from “Sid”

Best Parenting Moment: I love, love, love Peter Capaldi as Sid’s dad. His rant at Sid ending with “Emphasis! Fuck!” had me stitches.

Best Line: “Michelle would never fuck a horse.” Sid to Abigail.

Second Best Line: Cassie: “Wow, Maxxie, you look all horny.” Maxxie: “You can tell?”

Plus this face.

Most Unnecessary Scene: Sid and Michelle get beat up by some chavs. (Yes, I had to Wikipedia that term.) Then Sid gets urinated on by a homeless guy.

Number of Jal Spottings: 3. Bonus! Did you catch Chris pat her on the head?

Best Use Of Maxxie and Anwar as Props – Beacause, really, what else are they good for?

"Fuck it, be bad." "Be good!"
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