Does Breaking Dawn: Part 2 really come out today? How did I miss that memo? Oh right…There was a hurricane and I didn’t have power for two weeks. I also don’t care. Logically, because I don’t care about this franchise, I just spent the last 48 hours watching all four Twilight movies. All. Four. Twilight. Movies.
Bella Swan is a fascinating character. I almost wish I had her guidance during high school instead of Manny Santos’s. I would have spent considerably less time contemplating getting bangs. So what did I learn from my crash course in the Twilight movies? Countless priceless lessons. There are absolutely zero spoilers in this post so please, read on.
1. Move to a new city. Bring a plant.
2. To meet boys, be careless in your high school parking lot.
3. Ignore friends while prom dress shopping.
4. Don’t be rational. Fall in love.
5. Introduce father to vampire boyfriend while he is cleaning his gun.
6. Expose the right amount of cleavage.
7. Only read literature that directly relates to your own increasingly dramatic life.
8. Scrapbook your feelings.
9. Boyfriend disappears. Jump off cliff.
10. Do not be opposed to grand theft auto to save your boyfriend.
11. Become a master of disguise.
12. Be Switzerland.
13. Graduate from high school.
14. Be confused by Jasper’s sudden character development.
15. Allow your frequently shirtless werewolf best friend to carry you places.
16. But do not lead him on.
17. Know when and how to create the perfect distraction.
18. After scores of supernatural beings have tried to kill you for three movies, just get married.
19. Pregnancy sucks.
20. When all else fails, just drink blood.
That is what I learned from Bella Swan. And what have I learned from Kristen Stewart? I never want to be like Kristen Stewart. I have never seen someone look more miserable in my entire life. But whatever. Enjoy your millions, K Stew. You deserve it after putting up with snarky assholes for five years.