The Five Stages of Grief, As Experienced During Liz & Dick

Lohan, I wish I knew how to quit you.

And now, a brief summary of the emotions I experienced during the last 24 hours as I watched the greatest movie event of our time, Liz & Dick. Perhaps you felt the same way.

1. Denial

I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe I’m going to watch this. But I can’t ignore a television movie with the line, “They drink, they fight, they fornicate“. I’m not stronger than that and Lifetime knows it. 

2. Anger

I can’t believe this is happening. Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton deserve a real movie, dammit! This isn’t even the most scandalous event from Elizabeth Taylor’s life! You’re not even trying, Lohan! It’s all factually inaccurate! OF COURSE CLEOPATRA HAD TO KISS MARK ANTONY! DUMMIES!

3. Bargaining

This is happening. But at least the costumes are decent.

4. Depression

This is happening and it is bad. It is so bad, I can’t even joke about how bad it is. And I regularly watch Teen Mom 2.

5. Acceptance

It happened. I survived. Now I really want to watch The Client List and drink away my misery. (Well played, Lifetime.) Lohan, I wish I knew how to quit you. (Are we absolutely sure her secret twin isn’t hiding out somewhere? God I hope so.)

Sigh. Those were the days.
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