The Most Perplexing and Unanswerable Questions About Spring Breakers

Photo: Empire Online
Photo: Empire Online

Ever since I saw Spring Breakers on Monday night, not only has James Franco’s grill been haunting me but this movie has left me with a endless number of questions. Such as:

Where do these girls go to college? How can they be so bored?

Is Grand Theft Auto a new community-based learning course for college co-eds?

Are the amount of boobs in my face supposed to make me uncomfortable or intrigued?

Is this secretly a MIA video?

Alex Russo, are Jesus and Brittany from Glee that uninspiring that you have go party with discount Amanda Bynes, Gabby Montez and Hanna Marin?

Why are there so many Britney Spears references?

Why did every scene have to end with “spring breaaaaaak” and a gun click?

Will this be the movie that finally forces the NRA to update their talking points about movies and gun violence?

Who spends all their money on scooters that match their bikinis?

Why is there so much awkward, unsexy sex?

Is this what Kevin Federline ended up doing with his life?

How does Alien sleep on his bed?

Do you need bottles of Calvin Klein cologne to be a gangsta?

Where do you get matching pink ski masks?

Hanna Marin, does A know what you are doing?

Is that swimming pool sanitary?

Did the teenage boys sitting next to me ever agree on whether or not Selena Gomez made the right decision?

How can you own a white baby grand piano but not have a bengal tiger?

Did I miss out on having a real college experience by never going on an alcohol-fueled spring break trip when I was 18?

But did they leave the cannolis?

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