Something happened to me last May. I became obsessed with Jeremy Renner and it took over my life. More times then I should probably admit, I turned into a crazed fangirl. I wasted hours of my life scouring the abyss of the Internet for undiscovered information about Renner. For no logical reason. It was just as inexplicable and ridiculous as my Orlando Bloom obsession circa 2003. Except in 2003, I was 14 and could barely use the Internet.
Around December I accepted that I had a problem. So I started making notes of every strange thing I did as I trolled the Internet. Because the most sensible way to get over your fake relationship with a celebrity is to publicly shame yourself.
So here is what happened. This is exactly like what went down with Odysseus and those Sirens.
May 6, 2012: While suffering from a brutal post-Cinco de Mayo hangover (I still don’t remember how I got back to New Jersey), I see The Avengers at 10:30 AM. Not in 3D because I don’t hate myself. Although I’m barely conscious due to my hangover, I am able to 1) be disgusted by the destruction of Manhattan as an overused trope in superhero movies and 2) become obsessed with Jeremy Renner. In retrospect, this is probably because paying attention to Hawkeye required the least amount of energy.
May 10: I watch interviews with Jeremy Renner and Scarlett Johansson and decide that I ship Rennersson. Even though shipping real people is absurd. And even though ScarJo and I are frenemies.
Late May/ Early June: I start reading Avengers fan fiction. I haven’t read fan fiction since I was in high school and shipped Drarry. But after a few entertaining Clintasha stories, I am once again checking fanfiction sites daily.
Late June: I begin tracking the Jeremy Renner Tumblr tag. The slope I am on is very slippery.
Early July: By now, I am checking Tumblr daily. Did you know that there is a Tumblr tag called “arm porn”? I know this now and it is disturbing.
August 2: I am told to join Renner-holics Anonymous.
August 5: I watch SWAT and immediately get called out by my friend.
August 9: Jeremy Renner makes this face and I die.
August 11: I see The Bourne Legacy and am totally satisfied. Any chance of me getting “over” Renner any time soon is non-existent.
August 24: I spend the day filming a vlog for the Ally and Joanna Show. At one point I discuss the Jeremy Renner Tumblr tag while eating a salad. Note: I have decided not to post this video on the Internet as I am a professional adult. Instead I will post a picture with the greatest Bourne Legacy joke you will ever see.
August 31: HOW DARE HE BE PHOTOGRAPHED WITH A WOMAN? (Renner Fandom starts to self-destruct.)
September 5: The Hansel and Gretel trailer hits the internet. It kills me.
Late September/Early October: I travel to Spain and Portugal. I hope this trip will be an opportunity for me to stop obsessively following Jeremy Renner’s every move. It doesn’t work.
Late October: I notice that the work “fangirling” is always autocorrected to “fingerling” and that’s gross.
November 17: Jeremy Renner hosts Saturday Night Live. I stay up past my normal bedtime of 10 P.M. to watch SNL for the first time in years.
November to December 2012: I happily go about my life checking the Jeremy Renner Tumblr tag at least five times a day, reading Avengers fanfiction, and twiddling my thumbs.
January 13, 2013: The Golden Globe awards. Jeremy Renner definitely looks good a tux.
January 16: The Wednesday after the Golden Globes, the now-infamous Baby Rumors first appear, sending the Jeremy Renner fandom into a tailspin. I react accordingly. First with a Tweet:
Then I respond with this blog post: Anatomy Of A Pointless Celebrity Gossip Story.
January 27: Drink many margaritas and see Hansel & Gretel. Intoxicated was the only way to see this movie.
January 29: During this time, Jeremy Renner grows out his hair which sends the Renner fangirls into a frenzy. This is not an important detail of the story but a more dedicated fangirl than myself would tell you otherwise.
February 15: Since becoming the Nancy Drew of Celebrity Gossip, I find my way to DataLounge. I read every single Jeremy Renner is gay and is using a surrogate rumor.
Late February: I notice that I am starting to care less about Jeremy Renner. I didn’t really care that he presented at the Oscars. Is it because of the baby rumors that so many people seem fixated on?
March 20: Everyone I know feels obligated to tell me that American Hustle is filming in Boston.
March 29: Baby Renner is born. Fandom enters into a dangerous, self-destructive tailspin.
April 1: I refresh IMDb approximately one billion times to read the multiple scenarios the more crazed fangirls than myself have strewed together about Jeremy Renner’s baby mama.
April 3: I receive an intervention at work after my boss informs my coworkers that a sign that I am stressed is when I am constantly refreshing the Jeremy Renner tag on Tumblr. My coworker wisely informs me that he is 42 and I need get over it.
April 8: Against my better judgment, I read a Mayor Angelo smut fanfic. It is disturbing.
April 22: I check IMDb message board for first time in weeks and question why people care so much about Renner’s kid?
April 24: I have a good laugh when people get irritated that Renner does not show up for Iron Man 3 premiere. Apparently, a good fangirl is supposed to care about such offenses.
May 1: That Abscam movie is still apparently filming. I stopped paying attention.
May 15: I realize I haven’t checked the Jeremy Renner Tumblr tag in weeks. So am I cured?
May 21: After not searching “Jeremy Renner” on multiple social media platforms, I accept that I officially do not give a shit about Jeremy Renner anymore.
May 28: I see Star Trek Into Darkness and consider becoming obsessed with this fandom.
May 30: After reviewing the above evidence, it is clear to me that becoming obsessed with another actor/fandom will be detrimental to my health and I need to find more productive outlets for my boredom.