Everything I Thought During 300: Rise of an Empire

It has been well over a year since I did one of these pointless lists. (I’ll never forget you, Hansel and Gretel.) But 300: Rise of An Empire is a movie worthy of this great honor. If you enjoyed it’s kind-of, sort of but not really 300 (and I did), you’ll probably get a kick out of this movie. If only because Artemisia (Eva Green) makes you question why Themistocles (Sullivan Stapleton) is even there.

1. These trailers are boring. It must be March.
2. 300: With Less Abs and More Facial Hair
3. Fassbender was not in 300 as much as he is in 300: Rise of an Empire.
4. Themistocles is a buzzkill.
5. So. Much. Blood.
6. Artemisia is a fancy Kristen Stewart.
7. Hell hath no fury like an Ancient Greek woman scorned.

 

Werk it, girl.
Werk it, girl.

8. Xerxes is missing some gold. He should borrow some from Smaug.
9. “You traveled a long way to stroke your cock while watching real men train.” What?!
10. There are absolutely no stereotypes about Persians in this movie whatsoever.
11. Where did the Persians find the space store all Artemisia’s outfits?
12. Now I don’t think any of that happened.
13. Is it really necessary to whip the slaves? They’re already doomed.
14. ROCKS
15. Artemisia: Greece :: Captain Ahab: Moby Dick.
16. That sex scene was already in Dark Shadows.

The angriest sex in the history of angry sex.
The angriest sex in the history of angry sex.

17. How did the Athenians get their spears back in between battles?
18. Spartans. Amirite?
19. Seriously? Where did that horse come from?
20. I don’t remember Cook looking anything like that.
21. Lena Headey, guys. Lena Headey.
22. This entire movie is just one extended sex scene.
23. So… I guess there won’t be an Artemisia-Themistocles TV spin-off.
24. Eight years later and I still don’t know how the Persians transported those elephants to Greece.
25. And there are no words for this. xerxes 300

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5 thoughts on “Everything I Thought During 300: Rise of an Empire”

  1. lol i actually loved this movie, mostly for eva green and lena headey. and i will not tolerate a kristen stewart comparison lol! yeah the slave references (and the black face) was kinda odd to watch and took me out of it for a bit, but i was genrally really engrossed.

    1. Haha, just because I poke fun at it doesn’t mean that I didn’t enjoy! There is something completely engrossing about this movie and 300. Probably because it isn’t a run-of-the-mill action movie.

  2. I’m only halfway through this film, but I still read your list ’cause there isn’t much to spoil anyways. Good points on what I’ve seen so far :-). I’m watching the version with Dutch subs and every time I saw the name Themistocles pop up on screen, my brain would scramble it into Thesticles ha ha. Perhaps my subconscious was just trying to spice up his character, ’cause the dude is blaaaaand. And all that slo-mo is getting tiring, I bet it made the movie at least 25% longer. Which is one way to add volume if there isn’t enough content.

    Well, let’s see if I can make it to the end without falling asleep. I actually did quite enjoy the first movie and am now wondering if it had as much slo-mo (and why it didn’t bug me back then). Cheers, thanks for the laughs!

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