Machete Kills: The Sequel I Never Knew I Wanted To See (Thanks Sofia Vergara)

Why, hello fire shooting out of Sofia Vergara’s boobs.

Photo: Movie Web
Photo: Movie Web

When I glanced at this poster this afternoon, I immediately fired off (hah! pun!) easy jokes including:

    • It’s the cone bra Madonna always wanted.
    • Somewhere Katy Perry is jealous.
    • Weapons of mass distraction.
    • The only way to make drone warfare appealing.
    • The boobs. The boobs. The boobs are on fire.

Normally, I make these terrible jokes to emphasize how often characters posters miss the mark and are ineffective marketing tools. (Especially for non-franchise films.) But for every truly awful character poster in existence, one does occasionally stands out. Like this poster for Machete Kills.


First, the shocking imagery grabs your attention.

Anything shooting out of a woman’s cleavage will always be shocking. This is why pop stars base their entire images on this premise. (See also: breastfeeding.) There is an added level of shock value because bullets are also flying of this woman’s cleavage. This woman, whoever she is, is literally packing heat.

Second, the woman with the fiery, massive cleavage is Sofia Vergara.  

Sofia Vergara is one of the more interesting television stars to emerge in the last five years. She is Hispanic. She has a big personality. She has massive cleavage. Her accent, persona, and breasts are defining components of Vergara’s star image. During every show Vergara appears – Modern Family, SNL, commercials, talk shows, awards shows – her physical attributes become a topic of discussion. Yeah, she’s a talented actress but Vergara is also a sex symbol. She knows it, we know it, and this poster knows it.

Now perhaps you are someone who hates the commodification of Sofia Vergara’s body. Then you probably hate this poster. But if not, then this poster has successful made you invest in a sequel to a movie that you either didn’t see or didn’t know you wanted to see. (Unless you did see Machete. But so far these people are imaginary.)

Personally I vaguely remember hearing about Machete when it was released in 2010 and I know nothing about Machete Kills. But this poster has done what a successful poster should do: it forced me to Google and spend more time analyzing this poster than mocking it.

Poster Fix: Django Unchained

The first poster for Quentin Tarantino’s next film, Django Unchained, was revealed yesterday. [via Yahoo!]

Evidently the Weinstein Company’s graphics guy frequents the Minimal Movie Posters tumblr.

This poster also gives us a decent lesson in how to market auteurism. The film’s title and actors are absent from the poster; we’re just expected to know this information. This isn’t “A New Film by Quentin Tarantino”. It is “The New Film By Quentin Tarantino”.

Does the minimalist approach make you more or less excited for this movie? Does the poster even matter because it’s a Quentin Tarantino movie and you will see Django Unchained no matter what?

Sound off below.

Poster Fix: War Horse

Oh look, here’s the poster for Steven Spielberg’s War Horse (due out December 28). Everybody drool!

Are you done drooling yet?

Ever since I saw the trailer for War Horse (and everytime I have had to see it since), I have been dreadfully bored by the promotional material for this movie.

I get it. World War I sucked for horses. World War I sucked for Europe. But this boy loves his horse so damn much he’ll do anything to get him back. That’s just great.

Now show me something that doesn’t scream, “Give me an Oscar” and actually makes me excited to see War Horse. Until then I will continue to be dreadfully bored by War Horse.

(For the record, I will be seeing War Horse. I may be snarking now but I’m sure I will be proven wrong come December. I usually am.)

Pixar’s Brave Looks Totally Awesome

This preview poster for Pixar’s Brave, released today, makes me want to squeal with joy.

Pixar has made so many wonderful movies since 1995 but I can count on one hand how many of them have featured a strong female main protagonist: none. It looks like Brave, the story of a Scottish princess who would prefer to be an archer, will finally break the mold. It is also Pixar’s first fairy tale fantasy film and judging by the synopsis, Brave will be a bit dark:

The impetuous, tangle-haired Merida, though a daughter of royalty, would prefer to make her mark as a great archer. A clash of wills with her mother compels Merida to make a reckless choice, which unleashes unintended peril on her father’s kingdom and her mother’s life. Merida struggles with the unpredictable forces of nature, magic and a dark, ancient curse to set things right.

The poster and synopsis are essentially just code for Merida is a total badass. Thoughts on Brave? I know I will checking this out in June 2012.

Update: The teaser trailer confirms it. Brave will be totally awesome. Ginger power! Who’s with me?

Poster Fix: Midnight in Paris

Here is the poster for Woody Allen’s upcoming film Midnight in Paris, which is premiering at the Cannes Film Festival in May. So far, Midnight in Paris is the only film confirmed for the Cannes Film Festival lineup. (The other films will be announced on April 14.)

How very Van Gogh! What could this poster, which borders on a bad Photoshop project, possibly be saying about Midnight in Paris? The cast includes Owen Wilson, Adrien Brody, Marion Cotillard, and even French first lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy in the romantic comedy about a family traveling to Paris on a business trip.

What do you think of the Van Gogh inspired poster? And more importantly, what European city should Woody Allen tackle next? It has already been announced that Allen will shoot his next film in Rome. I would love to see cities I love such as Berlin or Prague get the Woody Allen treatment. Even more ideal would be Istanbul (I have a serious love affair with that city).