Does Breaking Dawn: Part 2 really come out today? How did I miss that memo? Oh right…There was a hurricane and I didn’t have power for two weeks. I also don’t care. Logically, because I don’t care about this franchise, I just spent the last 48 hours watching all four Twilight movies. All. Four. Twilight. Movies.
Bella Swan is a fascinating character. I almost wish I had her guidance during high school instead of Manny Santos’s. I would have spent considerably less time contemplating getting bangs. So what did I learn from my crash course in the Twilight movies? Countless priceless lessons. There are absolutely zero spoilers in this post so please, read on.
For the first time in my life, I am grateful that Twilight exists. I have been struggling with a terrible case of writer’s block for a few weeks. Fortunately, I have been saved by the new character posters for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2. These Breaking Dawn character posters are a glorious display of the Twilight Marketing Machine in action and they have given me a reason to blog again.
For starters, there are 23 posters. 23. I didn’t even know that The Twilight Saga had 23 characters who needed posters. (Are Michael Sheen and Dakota Fanning still around? If not, then I know absolutely nothing about this franchise anymore.) These posters introduce us to the vampire covens (and a nomad!) who appear in Breaking Dawn– Part 2 for reasons I don’t know. It probably something to do with Bella and Edward’s child. Unlike the character posters for the main trio (above), these 23 posters are boring. But they get bonus points for their excellent portrayal of ethnic minorities.
To illustrate how these Breaking Dawn character posters are simultaneously boring and terrible, here are some of my favorites. (I’m using that term loosely.)
Eclipse is coming. Do you hear it? Or rather, do you hear the packs of screaming girls running towards the local movie theaters?
Last night, I watched Jimmy Kimmel Live: Twilight: Total Eclipse of the Heart. Yes, my unemployment has come to this although no one can sarcastically mock The Twilight Saga as perfectly as Jimmy Kimmel. The hour long special took place in theater where there were hundreds of screaming Twihards and Kristin Stewart was at her moody, uncomfortable best. It was during this special that Kimmel debuted a new soon-to-be classic, Friggin Twilight, starring the dreadfully awful cast of Jersey Shore.
It was at this moment that I realized that nothing can get worse than watching bad Jersey Shore parodies of Twilight. Not even Twilight itself.
The MTV Movie Award nominations, which should perhaps be better known as the Most Popular Movie Awards, were announced today. The Hangover, Avatar, and Twilight: New Moon are the most nominated movies. Sandra Bullock received three nominations for Best Actress, Best Comedic Performance, and Best Kiss (with Ryan Reynolds).
I am also a fan of this new category: Best Scared-As-S**t Performance. The nominees are Alison Lohman in Drag Me to Hell, Amanda Seyfried in Jennifer’s Body, Jesse Eisenberg in Zombieland, Katie Featherston in Paranormal Activity, and Sharlto Copley in District 9.
Golden Girl Betty White is also nominated for the Best WTF Moment. Lets hope she beats out Bill Murray, Ken Jeong and Megan Fox.
The Edward vs. Jacob battle might finally be settled at the June 6 ceremony hosted by Aziz Ansari. Both Pattinson and Lautner are nominated for Best Actor.
Here it is, at long last – the first production still from The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. (Wait, didn’t that movie come out? Didn’t we just suffer go through Twihard mania?)
I hope you throughly enjoy this thought-provoking picture that has arrived just in time for the holidays. For starters, who knew there were so many sunny fields in Washington state. And Bella sure likes flannel. In fact, judging from this photo and her fondness for flannel, Bella might be on the road to becoming a… nevermind. I’ve never read the books; I can’t make assumptions and fill the tweens of America’s heads with thoughts that could question the validity of Twilight, and, more importantly, of Bella and Edward’s love.