What These Character Posters Tell Us About Dark Shadows

There is nothing I love more than character posters because they are usually the worst thing ever. Need proof? Remember the character posters for What To Expect When You’re Expecting? They are awful. The posters for The Hunger Games? Also terrible. (Mostly because we’ve inundated by promotional material for The Hunger Games since November.)

So today the character posters for Dark Shadows, the latest Tim Burton-Johnny Depp collaboration, hit the Internet. These posters are quite…neon. This doesn’t bother me because I love neon like Justine from Melancholia loves the apocalypse. I know nothing about Dark Shadows except that it is about supernatural beings, Johnny Depp is a vampire, and the trailer disappointed everyone. This is more than enough information for me to judge these posters.

dark shadows johnny depp — Johnny Depp as Barnabus Collins

Vampires always wear sunglasses and ascots. Why are vampires always such snazzy dressers? Is this because they’ve been dead for hundreds of years and can’t adapt to the times, like Republicans who pass contraception laws? Are Johnny Depp’s cheekbones getting sharper? These are very important questions that vampire movies will never answer.

dark shadows eva green — Eva Green as Angelique Bouchard

Eva Green plays a sexy but evil witch. Those witches are always the worst.

dark-shadowsmichelle-pfeiffer — Michelle Pfeiffer as Elizabeth Collins Stoddard

This is the cover for Adele’s future album “45”.

dark shadows jonny lee miller — Jonny Lee Miller as Roger Collins

In my mind Roger Collins is exactly like Roger Sterling. He drinks too much scotch, scoffs at the common man, and pines for a sultry red head. Except he’s probably more than a little flamboyant and he does not appreciate a quality ascot.

dark shadows helena bonham carter — Helena Bonham Carter as Dr. Julia Hoffman

As always, HBC has the best lines in the trailer and the best poster. I want a reason to wear neon eyeshadow.

dark shadows bella heathcote — Bella Heathcote as Victoria Winters

Bella Heathcote stars in the role that Ginnifer Goodwin was not cast in. She looks sweet and angelic. She’ll probably die, be hopelessly in love with Barnabus Collins, or something.

dark shadow jackie earle haley — Jackie Earle Haley as Willie Loomis

I briefly thought this poster said “Jackie Collins as Willie Loomis” and then I was puzzled because I didn’t know that Jackie Collins had relaunched her acting career. Then I realized this was Jackie Earle Haley and I was… still confused. Willie Loomis is the constipated caretaker of Collinwood Manor who moonlights as a lumberjack. He also does not appreciate ascots.

dark shadows chloe moretz — Chloe Moretz as Carolyn Stoddard

Chloë Moretz plays a bitchy, sarcastic teenager who rebels by adding pink streaks to her hair. She has never played this type of character before.

dark shadows gully mcgrath — Gully McGrath as David Collins

As I’ve been writing this post, I’ve been randomly shouting “Gulllyyyyyyyy!”. It’s fun. You should try it. It looks like the graphic designer got lazy when he had to make this poster. This implies that David Collins does nothing but scoff at his embarrassing father the entire movie. He is also giving me a Tate from American Horror Story vibe. Sidebar: Gully McGrath played some kid in Hugo. Apparently Hugo had more than two kids in it. He will also be playing Tad Lincoln in Lincoln and I hope he nails poor Tad’s lisp.

Dark Shadows hits theaters on May 11. What are your thoughts on these character posters? Are you as disappointed by the lack of ascots as I am? Do you have actual concerns about this movie? Sound off below.